wut

Daily Thoughts.

30.

I am damaged at best.

29.

All I need is time. Time to figure out who I want to be, and who I want to be with. Time to figure out where I want to go, and the quickest way to go there.

28.

You don’t fucking do that. You don’t take my words, twist them around, and spit them out to a group of people at a school I don’t even go to. You’re a piece of shit. Way to ruin any potential relationships I could have had, and ruining my reputation. God damnit, anyone that knows me knows I am last in line to go out and have a thing with someone. Let alone 3? What the fuck is wrong with you.

27.

So this is yet another reminder of why i don’t fall for people.

26.

Damnit. I just weighed myself. This is the ~~heaviest~~ fatest I have ever been in my life. Anyone who knows me well enough knows what that means. Fucking starving myself. Doing these fucking diets to lose 10 pounds in a week. I cannot stand to look in a mirror. I am embarrassed and I feel bad for every poor soul who has to look at me every day. This has to change. And I am than willing to go back to my old ways to do it. Easily triggered. Hello anorexia, I’ve missed you quite a bit.

25.

I can never get a guy because I am socially retarded. Like, now that I may be interested, I am too much of a baby to start a conversation. That, and I’m pretty ugly lol

24.

I seriously gained so much weight from drinking this summer. Here comes unhealthy weight loss.

23.

Why. I’m so fucked up. I never let people in, but when I do, I get so attached and can never let them go. I’m sitting her bawling over someone who couldn’t care less about me.

22.

I am unbelievably upset right now. Way way way deep in me, i feel this longing for something, and I can’t seem to find it.

21.

I am way too easily triggered. It is actually starting to concern me.

20.

i’m just really drunk niw and i miss everything. and i miss having people who care. and i know i say this a lot and all the time but just mostly jamie and kelly. and toei too. wow fuck im gay. i just am fucked upin so many undescribable ways thar i could never even try to explain it to people ever again. i have tried to fix it so many time and i feel balling my eyes out to kelly tonight was rather humiliating. wow ok fml k going to cry more cause im alyssa goodnight xx

19.

As stupid as it sounds. I really do not believe in love. I don’t believe in finding a “soul mate”. It just seems all too fake, and disgusting.

18.

I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy in the past four days. But it’ll all be worth it when I am skinny again. As long as I am keeping my promise to do it the healthy way this time, it doesn’t matter.

17.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I just sit there and think. Think about how fucked up my life has been, and the roller coaster I so dearly need to get off. Sometime, I just wish all of this would end. I wish I could have my friends. Well, old ones. And no, this time I am not directly referring to Rylee, Melissa, and Morgan. I guess it is safe to say I am okay with them. I am talking about Jamie, Kelly, Tori, and Lindsey. For once, when I was with them, I felt a sense of comfort. A sense of belonging. And I fucked it up. As I do usually. I have tried to fix things, and part of me wants to even after all the hurtful things they have said about me. Why. I just need my security blanket. I need to feel safe. wanted. cared about. Because God knows I haven’t felt that in a long ass time. I’ve been so hated, abused, worthless. And no one even notices. Not one damn person.

16.

As if things couldn’t get worse. honestly. at this point it’s not even just one thing, or one person that is making me notice how much of a worthless piece of shit I am. it’s everything. all those little things and people piling up and making me realize how much life sucks and it may get better temporarily, but it never last for more than a few days, hours, whatever. i’m trying to focus on the bright side, like i so often tell others to do, but i guess i’m just the selfish hypocrite everyone makes me out to be. everything kelly said about me was true, and no matter how hard i try to change it, i can’t. i don’t get do overs, i can’t unmeet people, i don’t receive second chances, and i sure as hell can’t change anyone’s mind. because that would all just be too good to be true. as is every positive thing that makes a short, special appearance in my life. and to the asshole who very easily made me let my guard down? yeah. FUCK YOU. you said you weren’t going to fuck with me. thanks for making my anxiety a lot worse, and giving me yet another reason to prove to myself that no one think i’m worth keeping around. so many come and don’t go. fuck this.

15.

i try. i try so unbelievably hard. i try to be good enough, for anyone and everyone. i’m sick of believing that one day, i will, because i know it just isn’t going to happen. ever. i am pathetic. i am a mess, a complete and udder mess. i’m jealous, needy, bitchy. i’m a train wreck and i’m falling in deeper and deeper everyday. deeper. the word triggers me itself. like i said, pathetic. huh?

14.

honestly? really? i go against my fucking instincts for you, i was ready to give everything i try, for an asshole like you? seriously. words can’t even describe how much i actually hate you. yeah, i’m probably overreacting, but that’s what i do best. fuck you.

13.

I’m in over my head

VVVV… SPOKE TOO SOON… VVVV

12.

I didn’t know it was possible for me to feel this good again. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. It feels good. He makes me feel good.

11.

You’re playing all these childish games that I’m just not willing to play anymore. It’s time to grow up and realize that making other people’s life hell is only going to backfire on you in the long run. Karma is one hell of a bitch, and I’ll be waiting for the day you get yours. I don’t see why your so obsessed with my life still, you’re out of it for the better and I’m trying to keep it that way.

10.

i only lie to you so you wouldn’t be worried, or hurt. that’s the thing, i truly do care about your feelings. i just don’t care about myself that much anymore

You can’t make yourself have an eating disorder. and you can’t force yourself into depression. It’s a fucking disease and I don’t know what kind of sick mind you have, but it’s not going to get the attention you want. Coming from someone who actually have struggled with this shit, I would know I NEVER broadcasted my disorders over Twitter. I was, I am ashamed of every scar and finger down my throat. I just don’t understand. We all have our problems, but comon, seak attention in some other way because I find this rather offensive. You look pathetic. Just stop.

Cheer up everyone! just keep reminding yourself everything will be okay. I mean think of a year ago today. what was troubling you? can’t remember? that’s because you got through them. yeah it was tough then, and it’s no where near getting easy, but you have the power to work through them with the ones who love you. you’re never alone, no matter how incredibly alone you feel. you’ve been through a lot, and you’re still here and you’ve made past every road block. that’s a pretty big accomplishment. there’s no reason to believe you won’t make it through this too.

I set my standards really high. I’m coming to realize too high. I do this as a form of protection. To save myself from the future, I guess, in some sort of denial that it will happen anyways. I set my standards too high for me, the people I feel are worthy are too high for me. I don’t deserve them.

Alone. So incredibly alone and worthless. I just don’t get it. Why me. What is so incredibly wrong with me where I have to be left alone. So incredibly alone and worthless.

I miss you. And it’s not even that. I see you every day, when I see you I miss you. and everything we had. When I see you walking with her I honestly just want to break down. I hope she knows what she has, because you’re everything I ever wanted and all those feelings have gone to shit now. I can’t even tell. I don’t get it. Why did you leave me.

i think you’re trying to get rid of me. everyone does. i just don’t understand the constant excuses, if you’re done with me grow up and tell me.

i feel so though i miss too much. and regret too much. and dwell on too many things. i just need things to go back to how they used to be. at any point in my life where i was okay. i’ll go there. i don’t care where there is, nor do i know where it is, but it’s better than here.

i just can’t even cope with this anymore. you don’t even know me. how can you ruin my life like this. it just isn’t fair.. to have everything painfully ripped out of your arms at once, like i don’t have feelings at all. i can’t wait till i’m gone. i don’t know where gone is, but it will be a blessing when i make it there.

it’s so easy for people to just drop me out of their lives as if i was never there. as if i wasn’t the one they stayed up with all night. it’s happened so man times this year. i need to stop getting so close to people. and attached. and tone done whats left of the friendships i have left for the short while they’re still here.